There's alot of shit to tell you about, so let's just start from the top...
Goat Ranch records is a small indie label outta the Mid West. Or Wisconsin - if you wanna be a dick about it. Our commitment is to bring you the worst and most tasteless hip hop and rap (we call it Goat Ranch Rap actually...) that we possibly can. We've already offended some people, and we're sure many more will follow, so let's just take this page as sort of a mission statement of sorts. After reading this, you'll be able to understand more fully that we don't really give a fuck. So... shall we begin?
To get to know the label and how it started, let's have a little background info. Goat Ranch Records is a new addition to an already well-developed label - The HFC Essentials. Pioneered by S.O.M.E. DJ, The HFC has been playing house parties and droppin mixtapes since about 1992. The name of the production company sprung up around like '94 I think... Not that any of that shit matters. The important part is that Goat Ranch Records was born outside the studio at a bonfire where heavy drinking was a factor. Two guys start freestyle rapping about each other's mothers and decide to make a couple songs. Nothing happens for a long, long time. Then, out of nowhere... BOOM! Your Mother's Lovers come along. They make music that isn't gonna be labeled under any genre and people start talking about how crazy their shit is. So the HFC Essentials decides to let them start their own label - bring in other crazy kids to rap with them and the freedom to musically do whatever they want. And now, ladies and gentlemen - Goat Ranch Records is born!
So, as you can plainly see, the label is really based on the group 'Your Mother's Lovers' and that's us! And what better way to capture the stupidity of the place we dwell then to tell you our life's stories? These letters were, in fact, written by Big Daddy Sanch and Greazy Azz Elviz and are pretty much true. So, thanks for joining us on the voyage of all things goat ranchy, and enjoy your visit to our shit portal.
*Team Goat Ranch*
To all it may concern:
Big Daddy Sanch was born in Mexico around 1875 with the birth name: "Sanchez Damingasfuckyerma." At the tender age of 10 he recieved his first taste of vagina when his babysitter's mom walked into his parents home naked. She brought with her a box of goat skin condoms and a plan... A plan to de-virginize the dirty little fucker. She was, however, fat and ugly - but that would soon enough set the 'trend' for the rest of his life.
By the age of 15, young Sanchez had approximately 420 different mother's lipstick stains wrapped around his dick. Still unsatisfied, Sanchez left Mexico to travel the world in search of the perfect bitch momma - the one that could throw it down in the sack... The one that could fuck all night long... The one that could deep throat a beer bottle... The woman of his dreams.
Today, at the age of 131 (in goat years, of course) Big Daddy Sanch has fucked a total of 600,000,420 mothers and has recently gone on record to state that your mother is one of his favorites.
Although you might think this story is complete bullshit, I, Big Daddy Sanch himself, would like for you to take it upon yourself to fuck off. Should you forget to fuck off, that's perfectly acceptable because I and my partner in rhyme "Greazy Azz Elviz" are always happy to remind you to get fucked, fuck off, or whatever your case may be.
My hope is that you are not offended by this breif history of my life. For if you are, may I be the first to suggest that our music may not be for you. If that's the case, please exit this website and don't come back. However, if you are still reading this and have not found yourself in shock due to my stupid ass story, I would like to cordially invite you into the gates of the Goat Ranch... The place where our tasteless music resides.
Thank you, and fuck off...
Sanchez
PS - Did I mention that your mom is sexy?
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Friends, Goat Rydaz and Fat, Ugly Mothers: Lend Me Your Ear...
Elviz Sr. was once a simple boy from the rolling hills of Beverly. He was raised in a happy family setting, had lots of food to eat and many fun toys to play with. But one day at the age of 6, his mother took away his bicycle for 24 hours as punishment for being late for dinner. This was too much for the young Elviz, who said "Fuck this!" and left the mansion forever - vowing to get revenge on all mothers acrossed the world.
At the age of 10, Elviz had his 465th encounter with an ugly as fuck, big butt, horse faced mother and was well on his way to the 'Silver Goat Penis Award' for most consecutive mothers fucked in a lifetime. However, his plans immediately changed when he met your mother and almost fell in love.
One night, as Elviz Sr. was droppin the rod in someone's mother's anus, he accidentally spilled a seed deep in her mud hole. 9 months later she gave birth to the Butt Spawn of Elviz Sr. He named him Greazy Azz Elviz and promptly left to get some cigarettes, and was never seen or heard from again.
Now it is 1984, and I, Greazy Azz Elviz was celebrating my 7th birthday in the goat barn when the phone rang. I will never forget the call... "Hello?" I answered. "Elviz? You may not know who I am, but the truth is... I am your... Father. I am calling you on your birthday to pass my dying wish onto you. I have only 63 minutes left to live and I must tell you where I have been and why you were born... Since the fate of the world lies in your hands." I was shocked at first, then upset... "Where's my child support mother fucker? I want my money! I live in a god damn goat barn you piece of shit!" "You must listen Elviz... I spent my entire life extracting revenge on mothers just like yours... I have left a long trail of hurt and deceit in my wake... You must promise me that you will always respect mothers... Treat them with love and kindness... Make sure..." *CLICK!* I hung up on that old piece of shit, and at that very moment I was going to do the exact opposite. My mission is to fuck all mothers - no matter how ugly, stanky, fat, or diseased they may be... I will tour the country and stick many dildos in mother's asses before placing the dildo in their mouths! I must pee on the faces of mothers great and small!
But one man can only do so much... And trust me. Fucking all your mothers is a huge job! Especially when most of you have such fat and nasty mothers! So I knew I would need some help on my mission to destroy the beavers that have dropped guppies along the road of life.
One day on my journey to lands near and far, I met a mother with the most disgusting, stinky green piece of snach a man could ever imagine! But this mother had a son. Better still, he and I shared a love to fuck all mothers everywhere! His told me his name was Sanchez Damdoodlefuckmymoma something or other, but I decided to call him by his alias: Big Daddy Sanchez. I introduced myself after wiping my nut on his mother's back. We got to talking and we decided that very night we would meet up and take care of some business. Then, after the second straight night of tag teaming YOUR mother, (You remember, right? You were there!) we decided that we would combine forces and tour the universe in search of mothers to hump. Grandmothers too! For nothing could stop us as a team! We would be YOUR MOTHER'S LOVERS!
Next thing you know? We got drunk and wrote some songs. Some really stupid ones, too. Enjoy!
See ya Tuesday in your mom's bedroom...
Greazy Azz Elviz
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